


and a love that I dreamt of came to me at my worst

by Graceless_Lady



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - No Voldemort, Begins established Lily/James, Drinking, Getting Together, M/M, Midlife / Quarter life Crisis, Multi, Mutual Pining, Rating May Change, Slow Burn, Swearing, eventually Sirius/James, poor coping mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-15 22:33:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29196909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Graceless_Lady/pseuds/Graceless_Lady
Summary: Golden boy James Potter has it all. He has a family with his high school sweetheart, plays his favourite sport professionally and is still super close with his four best mates from school. However, after hitting his early 30s and failing to make the starting line up for Puddlemere United, James begins to feel untethered and empty. His perfect life unravels as he leans into his worst instincts. It precipitates a reassessment of two of the most important relationships in his life. Will the realisations that come with painfully pulling himself together piece by piece bring back his missing happiness or will he be left more alone than ever?
Relationships: Sirius Black/James Potter
Comments: 14
Kudos: 49





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the lyrics of "All My Heros" - Bleachers.

“First line beaters, Johnston, Duckley…” Avery the team manager droned.

James flailed as Duckley unexpectedly rammed him in the shoulder almost knocking him off the bench. James managed to regain his balance glaring darkly at this burley teammate. His dark expression having little effect on his neighbour’s stifled laughter.

The beginning of year team announcement used to be a nerve-racking event for him, but after 10 years on the team, James had started to find the whole event rather dull. He was eager to get past the formalities and back onto the field.

James tried to stifle a giggle as he rammed his elbow into Duckley’s ribs in retaliation. 

“… Reserve seeker, Murphy. First line Chasers, Johnson, Belby and Hopkins. Reserve chasers, Potter…”

James probably wouldn’t even have noticed, fooling around as he was, but his team mates next to him immediately gone stiff. James frowned at the team manager, surely some kind of simple admin error had been made, he would just need to clear it with him after he was finished with the list.

Only, it wasn’t an error.

James stormed out of the team locker room. His disbelief had very quickly turned to burning anger. In a fit of rage James pulled at his robes as he took them off, popping the buttons and ripping the fabric. He stuffed them unceremoniously into his rucksack.

 _10 years,_ James fumed, _10 fucking years_ he had spent loyal to that stinking backward club, he had the opportunity to play for one of the teams on the continent but had stayed loyal to Puddlemere, admittedly to try and get on the England’s team for the world cup, but still.

James sagged once he had marched himself out of the locker room and past the protection spells of the practice field and onto an ordinary looking muggle street.

 _Good but not great_ , the manager had said.

 _Talented but without the drive_ , the trainer had agreed.

He would never play in the World Cup. The English League Final Puddlemere got to and narrowly lost three years ago would be the highest level of quidditch he would ever play.

But that wasn’t the worst of it, the worst of it was that he had devoted his life to this. _This_ , when he had achieved a near perfect NEWTs score. The ministry had been banging down his door with offers to the join the Department of Aurors, the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, the Department of Mysteries. But, no, he had chosen Quidditch.

And all he would ever be a mildly talented chaser playing for a mediocre regional club.

James kicked aggressively at a phone box as he passed it.

Lily was a respected potion maker with a shop in Diagon Alley, Sirius an Unspeakable, Remus wrote articles for the Prophet, even Peter was the manager at Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour.

And James was nothing.

Just another washed up quidditch player with dreams far bigger than his talent.

Horrifically, James felt a sob rise up in his throat. He wished he could still go home to see his parents. To the sweeping corridors and expansive grounds of the manor he had grown up in. He would curl up onto the overstuffed, floral-patterned couch in the drawing room and lay his head his mother’s lap, she would smooth down his hair with her hands and murmur comforting words in his ears. His father would pace the room and brainstorm a plan of attack. There was no problem too big to fix, no issue without a clever solution. 

James shook his head.

A useless fantasy was all it was – James’ parents had been gone for years.

It was late afternoon by the time he had worked up the courage to go home. James took a deep breath and steeled himself as he walked through the gate of their cottage. Lily was kind and they weren’t exactly struggling financially with the Potter fortune behind them, but James losing his job was still not good news.

James flicked his wand at the door to unlock it. He started to open the door only for it to be yanked out of his hand and fly wide open to reveal his wife on the other side.

Lily was wearing a smart black dress that emphasised slender waist and soft curves. There was red lipstick on her lips and her deep red hair fell to her elbows with the sides pinned back from her face with delicate pearl-decorated clips.

“James. Thank god.” Lily pulled him inside urgently. “Harry has Neville over. There’s a casserole in the fridge for them for dinner. Alice will be around 8 to pick them up. She’s offered to take Harry for a sleepover.”

James caught completely off guard by the flurry of activity, only managed to gasp, “What?!”

Lily paused in the picking up her purse and slinging it over her shoulder, “The Potions Guild meeting. I am sure I told you about it?”

Vaguely James recollected Lily preparing notes for something last night.

“Neville turning up was a bit of a surprise, but Alice had some errands to run and you needed to be around to watch Harry around anyway, so…” Lily raised a shoulder in half a shrug.

“Anyway, I’d better go. Don’t wait up.” After placing a perfunctory kiss on his frozen check, Lily dashed out the door.

James watched the closed door for much longer than necessary.

_She didn’t know._

Lily, his own wife, clearly hadn’t bothered to turn the wireless on for the announcement. It had been ages since the early years when James would invite everyone over to listen to the broadcast that listed out the line-up for the new quidditch season. His excitement and nervousness competing for attention even when he already knew the result. But he had still thought, despite the diminishing excitement over the years, that his own wife at least would still care enough to listen.

He had even reminded her this morning, he thought distantly. _And_ s _he reminded you of the Guild meeting yesterday_ , his mind shot back remorselessly.

His anger and bitterness faded to an empty numbness.

James checked on the children, vaguely responding their greetings and begging off their attempts to get him to join them.

Downstairs he eyed the liquor cabinet. A gale of laughter filtered down from upstairs. James took a butterbeer from the fridge instead.

Butterbeer was only dimly alcoholic and given the high calorie content it had been a wholly an out-of-season treat for the last couple of years. James took a strange bitter sort of pleasure in draining the bottle in a couple of minutes flat. He took another from the fridge. While the famed warming effect of the beverage eluded him, at the least the alcoholic content seemed to be taking the edge off slightly.

James padded to the living room and sunk into the couch. He drunk his second bottle more slowly, but soon that too was gone. He flicked his wand to summon another.

Distantly he knew he would need to check on the kids again soon. Heat the casserole for their meal. Go back to his life. Be a responsible adult.

James did none of those things. He swallowed another mouthful.

He stood up slightly unsteadily, as the alcohol he had consumed, far too quickly and on an empty stomach, blunted his motor skills. On the wall in the living room was a collage of framed pictures Lily had set up when they had first moved in. James noted she must have added to it every now again as his eyes ran over the pictures of Harry growing up, of Harry with his friends, and of their family from their holiday in Spain a couple of years ago. The older pictures showed Lily and James being showered by rice on their wedding day and James and Lily’s 21st birthday party surrounded by laughing friends. The only stationary muggle picture was of Lily as a little girl with her parents.

And there, in corner was the picture James was looking for. James, Sirius and James’s parents smiled and waved back him. Taken outside of the Potter manor only weeks before Mr Potter contracted dragon pox and unknowingly passed it onto his wife. It was a sudden illness and a quick end, but not entirely unexpected given their age. All the same, James had been shattered. James ran his eyes over their familiar faces, their warm smiles, Mr Potter had an companionable arm slung around each Sirius and James, despite both boys being considerably taller than him. Mrs Potter clung beaming from James’s other arm.

James felt sick with envy at his own image. _Why hadn’t he appreciated having everything? Why hadn’t he done anything with it?_

There was a loud knock at the door. James made no effort to move to answer it, too busy glaring at his own younger uncaring face in the picture.

He had had everything and done _nothing_ , achieved _nothing_.

James was distantly aware the knocking was continuing.

“I’ll get it.” Harry called, his feet thundering down the stairs.

“Padfoot!” Harry’s voice sounded delighted as it often did when greeting his godfather.

James was roughly jolted from his self-hating monologue.

“Hiya Prongslet. Good to see you. Your Dad in?” Sirius answered sounding deliberately casual, but James could hear the strain underneath it.

Beginning to panic, James realised Sirius must know. Which was somehow worse than Lily not bothering to find out. A heavy feeling of shame washed over him. With uncharacteristic cowardice, James wondered if he could escape the house. Sirius would surely be responsible enough to stay and look after the kids. James could apparate out of the garden, find a muggle bar somewhere to ride out his sorrows.

“Yep, in the living room I think.” Harry replied cheerfully and far too quickly.

James sunk back into the couch giving up on his rapidly constructed plan. He was likely too tipsy at this stage to pull it off and it would be even more embarrassing to end up splinched like a novice. Instead James settled for polishing off his third butterbeer – hardly tasting its rich flavour.

“James?” Sirius’s voice was cautious in a way that James hated.

“Good to see you Pads.” James said dully, deliberately not looking in his direction. “What brings you over at this time of night?”

James noted with disinterest the way his words had begun to slur into each other.

“I’m so sorry.” Sirius started. James flinched away from the gentle tone. “I should have come sooner. I just finishing up work. I thought you would be talking to Lily.”

James didn’t respond.

“Where is Lily?” Out of the corner of his eye James could see Sirius had taken a seat on the adjacent couch.

“Guild meeting.” James replied shortly, wishing he hadn’t just finished his drink.

“But…”

“She doesn’t know.” James interrupted. “Didn’t listen to the broadcast.”

James stood up and gingerly made his way to the liquor cabinet. At least one good thing could be said of Sirius’s presence, now there was another responsible adult around James had an excuse to drink the proper stuff. He poured himself a glass of Ogden’s finest.

“You can watch the kids, yeah?” James asked and swallowed the glass in one without waiting for a response. The liquor burned on the way down his throat. He refilled his glass and stumbled his way back to the couch.

The room spun satisfyingly.

“James, have you had anything to eat?”

James finally allowed his eyes to meet Sirius’s. Sirius regarded him worriedly. James noted his friend had hardly changed in the years following the photograph, his features were perhaps slightly sharper, his hair slightly longer.

James shook his head in answer, stopping abruptly when the room tilted alarmingly.

Sirius’s hand came out of nowhere to steady him. “I’m going to get you some food, ok?”

James learning his lesson, didn’t nod in response. Easing himself off the couch he followed Sirius to the kitchen and planted himself heavily on one of the bar stools under the kitchen bench.

James watched blearily eyed as Sirius took the casserole out of the fridge and fiddled with the oven dials for a moment, before giving up with a sigh and pulling out his wand. James felt a strange surge of affection for his friend as used non-verbal magic to heat the dish. He served a portion onto a clean plate which he slid toward James.

“Eat.” He instructed firmly, placing a knife and fork before James.

James absentmindedly grabbed a forkful to chew while he watched Sirius plate another two servings. Levitating them before him. 

“I’ll get the kids to eat theirs upstairs.” Sirius said. James nodded, distantly aware that it was a good idea.

Now that he had started James found that he was ravenously hungry. He finished the serving quickly.

“Better?” Sirius asked. James started unaware he had returned.

James nodded and drained the rest of his firewhiskey.

He didn’t really remember much of the night after that.

He vaguely recalled Alice picking up the kids while Sirius told a bald-faced lie about James having a terrible migraine. He had a horrible feeling that he had spent some time on the bathroom floor vomiting into the toilet while Sirius rubbed comforting circles on his back. He also embarrassingly remembered waxing lyrically in Sirius’s direction about how much he missed his parents, but at least if anyone could understand his sadness over Mr and Mrs Potter’s passing it would be Sirius.

+++

James woke with a groan, his head thumping painfully. The sunlight streaming through the curtains was too strong he threw his pillow over his head.

“Morning.” Sirius’s words thundered through his skull.

James groaned again.

“Here.” Sirius said, James felt the mattress depressed as Sirius sat next to him. “Hangover potion.”

James took a minute to steel himself against the bright sunlight and lifted the pillow.

“Cheers mate.” James’s voice sounded weak and croaky in his head.

James propped himself up on one elbow and took the pro-offered vial regarding its contents critically. “You didn’t make this, did you?”

“Fuck you,” Sirius said without venom. “I make a great hangover potion.”

James laughed and his head gave another painful throb. James decided it was worth the risk and downed the concoction in one. The effect was instantaneous.

“Thanks.” James said throwing himself back onto the bed in relief.

“No problem.” Sirius replied.

Without the throbbing head distracting him, James noticed that he wasn’t in his house.

“I thought you would prefer to sleep off your hangover elsewhere and talk to Lily with a clear head.” Sirius said, answering his unasked question. His tone was light, but James could detect the layer of protectiveness under it. “I left her a note.”

“Right.” James said, and surveyed his surroundings. He took in the exposed concrete walls, charcoal sheets on the enormous bed, and the sheer curtains covering a floor length window that lead out to a small balcony with an enviable view of Central London. The industrial feel of Sirius’s bedroom was so very far from the Potter’s cosy cottage. He had spent much of his debauched youth sleeping off hangovers in this very room. But he couldn’t recall the last time he had spent the night here. “Thanks.”

Sirius plucked the empty vial from James’s hand in response walked towards the door. “You’re welcome to borrow some clothes. And you know where the shower is. I think you need it.”

Now that Sirius had mentioned it James noticed how revolting he felt.

“Ugh.” James said to himself. He heaved himself off the bed and plodded into the ensuite bathroom.

The hot shower stream felt like heaven. James luxuriated in its warmth for a moment, before sorting through Sirius’s stash of shower products. He snorted at the number of hair products. Picking what looked like a shampoo from the bunch he washed his hair. The rich woody fragrance permeated the air, James breathed it in deeply feeling it relax him. He finally extracted himself from the shower and grabbed a clean towel.

James looked distastefully at the pile of his dirty clothes from last night and decided that he would borrow some of Sirius’s as suggested. He opened Sirius’s closet and was faintly impressed by the sheer number of garments there. It took him a while to find something that was likely to fit. Sirius and James had gone through a long period at Hogwarts where they easily fit into each other’s clothing being of a similar height and build, so much so that they had giving up separating their clothing when staying at the Potter Manor over the summer. That had stopped soon after James had started playing quidditch professionally and had been put through an excoriating training camp to, as they had put it, ‘put on some proper muscle’.

James slipped into a pair of Sirius’s grey joggers and a soft t-shirt and padded out to the living room.

“Feel better?” Sirius was sitting at the glass dining table, a mess of parchment, quills and ink before him.

James nodded, and collapsed into an adjacent dining chair. Curiosity getting the best of him, James let his eyes scan over papers. His eyes met with pages of detailed notes, all in Sirius’s distinct elegant hand, and some interesting looking diagrams of what looked like modified time turners. The officious insignia of the Department of Mysterious was stamped on the right corner of each page. Sirius made no move to obscure the papers even though James wasn’t being particularly subtle about his snooping.

James frowned. He knew the Ministry had strict statutes in place to protect their many secrets, and that that was particularly true of the Department of Mysteries where not even senior department members were allowed access to all files. But Sirius had never bothered to hide any documents or been at all protective of his work in front of James. However, James had noticed that as soon as other people were invited over, the glass table did become mysterious clear. James idly wondered if it was just a result of Sirius’s trust in him. _Or_ , a particularly nasty voice in his head said, _it was because Sirius knew you wouldn’t understand or know what to do with the information even if you did have it._

James tore his eyes away from the papers, to meet Sirius’s dark eyes staring back at him expectantly.

“Sorry, what was that?” James asked realising distantly he must have missed something.

“Just asked if you wanted some breakfast.” Sirius said.

“Right, um, just tea thanks.”

James watched as Sirius prepared and then set a full cup of tea in front of him. Starting at the milky brown liquid, James was overcome with a wave of helplessness at his situation.

“What am I going do?” James said, placing his elbows on the table and burying his hands in his hair. The despair that he had staved off for the last 12 hours with his drinking coming back with full force.

“You could appeal?” Sirius suggested.

James scoffed. “And go back to playing for that run-down club knowing they were so keen to dump me, no thank you.”

“You could apply for another club?” Sirius’s voice had taken on a soft encouraging quality. “What about the club in Léon that scouted you a few years ago?”

For a moment, James was quiet, trying to grab hold of the hope Sirius had offered. The Léon quidditch club had contacted him three years ago offering him a position after the near miss final. He had seriously considered the offer, but in the end, his desire to play for England in the world cup and his reluctance to uproot his family, with Lily’s business, Harry’s school and all their friendships in Britain, had resulted in him staying with Puddlemere. He wondered if he would stomach the move any better now.

And more to the point, that had been years ago, he had played three more mediocre seasons since then where Puddlemere had hardly cracked the top 8 of the league, let alone gone to a final.

Then there was the elephant in the room, quidditch players just didn’t keep their agility or speed beyond a certain age.

James’s heart sunk further.

“I’m 32, Sirius. Nobody moves to a new club my age.”

“Well, you can be the first one.” Sirius said firmly.

James wanted to both laugh and cry at Sirius’s idolism. Sirius had always been like that with James, endlessly, irrationally confident that James could do the impossible. Once upon a time James would have agreed with him, but that James had been long since beaten down by the disappointments of adult life. James would have been annoyed with him, if he didn’t so desperately want to absorb some of Sirius’s confidence in him right now.

“Or, if you’re sick of quidditch, you could do something else.” Sirius said.

James let out a bitter laugh.

Sirius frowned. “You’re not without talent, Prongs. You have nine outstanding NEWTs in case you’d forgotten.”

And he hadn’t done anything since. A few domestic charms here and there. For a while after Hogwarts, he and Sirius had continued to dabble in magic, inventing magical items and modifying spells in their spare time, as they had once done as students. But then Harry had been born and James’s free time had plunged dramatically. After that, James had felt the time he had with friends was better spent unwinding.

James said none of that.

“I’d better get home.” He muttered instead.

He could feel Sirius’s worried eyes follow him as he washed out his mug.

“Thanks for everything.” James said finally.

“Anytime.” Sirius replied. “Let me know if I can help with applications or anything.”

James nodded. Sirius took a hesitant step toward him. James knew if he moved closer Sirius would hug him, surround him in the comfort, warmth and love he so desperately craved. James turned away with a final wave goodbye, not feeling worthy of any of it.

+++


	2. Chapter 2

James apparated with a loud crack outside the Potter residence and took a deep breath before entering.

Lily was sitting at the kitchen bench in her dressing grown reading the morning paper.

“Morning.” She said pleasantly. “Crisis averted?”

James frowned. “Sorry, what?”

Lily gave him a confused look. “Sirius’s note mentioned… oh…” Lily stopped abruptly, with a wry twist of her mouth. “So, there was no crisis then.”

James felt slightly sick. “Well, in a way there was.”

“Yes?” Lily prompted looking at him expectantly. James let his eye run over her face, her bright green eyes, long lashes and smattering of freckles. Even just out of bed she was lovely.

“I…I…” He stuttered, dropped his eyes to the floor. _Lily was kind_ he reminded himself. “I didn’t make the line-up this year. For Puddlemere, I mean.”

“Oh,” Lily said, her surprise evident. “James, I am so sorry. Oh, and I didn’t even listen, I just assumed… God, what must you think of me.”

James shrugged and turned to the bread bin and toaster, more for something to do then because he was actually hungry.

“Are you ok?” She asked tentatively.

“Fine.” James replied shortly.

“So, Sirius clearly heard?” Lily said, her voice strange in a way James didn’t care to pick apart.

“Yes.” James said simply.

Lily was silent as James toasted the bread then slathered it in butter.

“So,” Lily said once James had sat at the breakfast bar next to her. “Do you know what you are going do?”

James shrugged.

“You could apply for another club?” Lily suggested.

James felt frustration rise – it had bad enough having this conversation once with Sirius.

“I’m over thirty, Lils, no club is going to take me.” He took an aggressive bite of his toast.

Lily sighed. “I guess we knew it wouldn’t last forever. But surely it wouldn’t hurt to send out a few applications.”

James stuffed more toast in his mouth to avoid voicing the rude retorts that ran through his mind. There was no sense starting a fight with Lily on top of everything else.

The couple lapsed into silence. James finishing his toast miserably, while Lily sighed into her tea and flicked through the paper.

“Wait a minute.” Lily said, frowning at the page in front of her. “Here it says you’re in the reserves.”

“Yes, that’s what I just told you.” James said resentfully. _Why rub it in further?_

“No, you said you were off the team.”

“I might as well be.” James said practically throwing his emptied plate into the sink, a childish part of him enjoying the crash it made.

“That’s not the same thing though, is it? You still have a position, maybe if you work hard this year you can work your way back up.” Lily said with a straight face, as if it wasn’t the most ridiculous idea James had ever heard.

“What? And sit on the bench all year at that backwards club? Watching chasers with half my talent fly around the field?”

“James.” Lily said warningly, the sympathy had dropped from her voice.

“Yes, why not, Lily? That sounds like a wonderful idea! Why I could draw out my humiliation for years to come!” James said, his voice rising.

“Don’t be ridiculous, James.” Lily admonished.

“I’m being ridiculous!?” James said astonished. “I spent my entire career propping up that pathetic country club. _Years_ I spent there, when I could have been playing in France with some of the best players in Europe. But no, I stayed, I was loyal. And for what?! I have _one_ off season and they demote me to reserves.”

“That’s not fair, James.” Lily said softly. “You loved that club.”

James sneered. “Yes, I was an idiot. Let’s not rub too much salt into the wound, Lily dear.”

Lily bristled. “For Christ’s sake, James, get a grip. We all have setbacks.”

She grabbed the paper off the bench and marched toward to living room, turning before she left the kitchen. “Either stay with Puddlemere and try to make the best of it or start applying for a new job. I’ll be happy to help you once you’ve calmed down and got some perspective.”

James seethed, as Lily slammed the door behind her.

+++

Harry was dropped off at noon. James watched from the living room as Lily made small talk with a harassed looking Alice.

“Hi Dad. Feeling better?” Harry said, with a hopeful smile.

“Yep.” James lied. “How was your night?”

“Fun!” Harry enthused and regaled with father with tales of what they had got up to last night. James grinned. Harry had turned in to quite the little mischief maker.

“Harry,” Lily called. “Take your rucksack upstairs and unpack please.”

“Ok, Mum.” Harry called, flying out of the room as Lily walked in.

“A migraine, huh?” She said in an undertone to James. “Just how many lies did Sirius’s tell on your behalf last night.”

James shrugged unapologetically. Lily rolled her eyes and started on the washing up.

James knew, generally, Lily and Sirius got along very well, but there were some things they had never seen eye-to-eye with, one of those being what Lily liked to call “Sirius’s tendency to mollycoddle James” and James liked to call “Sirius’s tendency to be a supportive best friend”.

+++

The weekend passed quickly, between housework, yard work, assisting Harry with his homework and helping out Bathilda next door, James hardly felt like anything had changed. But on Monday morning, when Lily went to work and Harry to the local muggle primary school, and it hit James that he had nowhere to go.

As a first order of business, James drafted his letter of registration from Puddlemere United. It didn’t matter what Lily thought, James refused to ever play for them again.

Lily had, only that morning, sternly reminded him that if he wasn’t going to play for Puddlemere, then he needed to start applying to other teams or other jobs, but after half heartily writing a few applications to other teams, James decided he deserved a break. He apparated to Diagon Alley around lunch time. James toyed with the idea of visiting Lily at her store front and taking her out for her lunch break, like they had in the early days after Hogwarts, but he still felt annoyed at her lack of sympathy for his predicament and decided to visit Wormtail at the Ice Cream Parlour instead.

Peter was predictably excited to see him, and James was greatly cheered by seeing Peter in his ridiculous pastel uniform. Completely flaunting the store’s clear three sample tastings per customer policy, Peter let James sample every flavour in the shop twice. On his lunch break, Peter produced two monstrous Ice Cream Sundays for them.

James moaned as he enjoyed his first spoonful, it was just deliciously sweet as he had hoped.

“This is really good, Wormy. You should consider making this your full-time job.”

“Hardy har har.” Peter said, his sarcastic response undermined by his pleased expression.

“How’s Jessica?” James asked, in between generous mouthfuls of rich ice cream.

“She’s wonderful.” Peter said with a slightly dreamy smile.

James rolled his eyes. It had been almost two years and Peter didn’t seem to have grown out of the annoying sappy stage of the relationship. James decided it would be safer to change to subject.

“Seen Moony around much?”

“Not since the last full moon.” Peter replied with a half shrug.

James felt his mood drop. Jobs, relationships and families had definitely eaten into the time that the Marauders spent together. Even the full moon had become almost optional now that Remus had wolfsbane potion to get him through the monthly transition.

“We should all have a night out together.” James said, determinedly.

“Yes!” Peter squeaked excitedly.

+++

James left the shop feeling fuller than he had allowed himself to be in years and more than a little hyped on the sugar he had consumed. He strolled the streets of Diagon Alley lazily, duking in and out of shops without truly being interested in anything and avoiding Quality Quidditch Supplies like the pox.

In Wiseacre's Wizarding Equipment he came across a beautiful Gobstone set. The highly polished stones appeared the deepest black with pin pricks glittering white that seemed to shine like stars. Impulsively James bought the set. It was what Lily would have called a “frivolous purchase” especially seeing as James had hardly touched his current Gobstone set in years. But James reasoned, he was an adult, and an adult with a not inconsiderable inheritance, so he deserved to treat himself every once in a while.

James made sure to return home before Lily and Harry. He made a show of writing letters as the rest of the family walked in. Lily gave him an approving nod and started on dinner.

+++

On Tuesday, James spent the morning listening to wireless and laughing at the petty outrages of the geriatric callers. He wrote five letters around lunchtime, and if three of them were invitations to his friends asking them to the pub on Friday, well that was just a different type of application.

He spent the afternoon, lying on the lounge on the back patio enjoying a few too many butterbeers and the warmth of the summer afternoon sun.

That night James broke out his old Gobstone’s set (his new set was still hidden, slightly guiltily, in his underwear drawer) and proclaimed that it was high time Harry learnt the game. It was slow going at first, but Harry was a quick learner. Even Lily joined in for a few games, despite her strong preferrence for wizarding chess.

+++

On Wednesday, he received a response from Puddlemere United. He toyed with burning the letter without opening it, but in the end his curiosity won out.

He wished he hadn’t bothered.

It was all ineffectual pleasantries; _we are sorry to see you go_ … _your achievements with this club will always be remembered… your lifetime pass to games remains active…_ It’s not like he had expected them to beg him to come back exactly, but well truthfully that’s a little bit what he had hoped for.

James spent the morning laying on the living room floor staring at the ceiling feeling wretched. In the afternoon he wrote another couple of applications. This time to smaller, more local clubs.

+++

On Thursday, James woke up feeling miserable. He waited until Harry and Lily left before rising out of bed, despite Lily’s tutting.

Once he finally made his way downstairs, James cracked open his mother’s old cookbook and made a pan of chocolate chip biscuits. They came out too burnt on the edges and uncooked on the insides, but they still smelt like his mother’s had. James systematically devoured them and promptly felt like throwing up.

He must have fallen asleep at some point, because when he woke Lily was standing over him with the empty plan and his mother’s cookbook.

“A whole tray of biscuits, James, really? Do I need to get Bathilda over to babysit?”

James moved to sit up and glare, but promptly fell back into the pillows his stomach still aching. “My tummy hurts.”

Lily rolled her eyes, but there was a soft smirk playing on her lips. “I’m sure it does.”

James played up his discomfort for a few more moments, before Lily took pity on him and brought him a potion for his stomach-ache.

+++

On Friday, James woke up excited. All three of his school friends had all agreed to meet up at the Leaky Cauldron after work and he had cleared the night with Lily.

By midday, however, his good mood was waning. He had gotten caught in a long boring conversation with an old wizard that had once known his father when he’d gone down the street to replenish the household supply of butterbeer. A conversation that had eventually led to talk about the upcoming quidditch season and questions as to why James wasn’t in pre-season training.

Then he had received his first rejection letter.

It had hurt more than he thought it would. He had known, as he told Sirius and then Lily, it would be an uphill battle to join a new team this late in his career, but that knowledge did not seem to have softened the blow.

James spent the rest of the afternoon starting morosely out at the overgrown back garden. It wasn’t until Lily returned from work and reminded him, that he even remembered he had plans for that evening.

Despite his hurried showering and dressing after Lily’s reminder, he was still the last person to arrive. Remus, Peter and Sirius were already in their favourite corner booth in the Leaky Cauldron when he hurried in. Sirius was relaxed gracefully against the window bordering the booth, a sardonic smirk playing on his lips, his dark fringe falling elegantly across his forehead; Peter sat upright, his clothes slightly too tight and his eyes too bright, excitedly chattering away; Remus looked tired, dark shadows under his eyes and his clothes careworn. Remus was the first to notice James and gave him a wave over.

“Hi all.” James said sliding in next to Sirius. “Sorry I’m late.”

“No problem.” Sirius’s voice was easy, but his eyes were searching, James looked away.

“What can I get you all? First rounds on me.” James said, slipping a pouch of galleons out of his pocket.

A few moments later, James returned with the requested drinks along with a round of shots.

“That kind of night, is it?” Remus questioned, looking apprehensive.

“Yep.” James replied cheerfully.

Dutifully, all four swallowed on James’s count of three.

“So, how have you been, Prongs?” Remus asked, still looking slightly put out by the burn of the fire whiskey.

James shrugged. “Fine. How about you?”

“Can’t complain. Prophet’s got me writing a regular weekly column as well as my articles now, so that’s good.”

James forced himself to smile. “Sounds great.”

“Pete said you visited him at the shop.” Remus continued. “Would’ve thought you would be too busy with pre-season training starting up?”

James felt his heart hammer in his chest, he took a long sip of his butterbeer to avoid answering. He was aware he couldn’t keep it a secret forever, but he hadn’t wanted it to be the first thing they talked about. He didn’t want to sit through the entire night with his friends looking on in pity.

“James isn’t playing this season.” Sirius answered for him, when it became clear James wasn’t going to, in a tone that didn’t allow for further questions.

James sent Sirius a grateful look. Peter looked shocked. Remus looked confused and like he wanted to ask more questions despite Sirius’s discouraging tone.

“More shots.” James announced, leaving the table like a complete coward. He spent much longer at the bar this time. Hoping Sirius would fill them in, so he didn’t have to.

By time he returned, Peter’s expression had turned from shocked to devastated, and Remus looked sympathetic. Sirius was sending them both a warning look, which they were not heeding.

“Drink up.” James said, firmly. He would not have another night ruined by this.

A couple more drinks in and the mood had thankfully picked up again. Peter was regaling them with stories of his most troublesome customers.

“And then… and then… he asked for another scoop. I asked he where his last one had gone, and he said he lost it. But it was like bright daylight and I could see this group of teens accio his ice cream right off his cone every time he left the store.”

The table erupted in laughter

“Legends!” James said, exuberantly. “Wish we’d thought of it.” He continued shoving his shoulder none-too-gently into Sirius’s.

“I don’t, that poor man.” Remus reproached.

“Don’t act so high and mighty, you were laughing just as hard as the rest of us.” Sirius pointed out.

Remus shuffled uncomfortably. “Must have been the fire whiskey.”

“Sure, it was.” James said, making sure his voice was dripping with sarcasm.

Sirius and James shared a grin. James took a sip of his drink that Sirius had bought him in the last round of drinks. It was bright pink cocktail and emitted sparkling bubbles in the shape of unicorns.

James leant back in his seat, enjoying the heady mixture of alcohol and laughter. He truly was having the wonderful time. Pete had his head propped up on his hand, looking dazed; Remus’s cheeks were flushed; even Sirius’s eyes seemed overly bright.

“I know.” James said, snapping their attention to him. “We should go dancing.”

“Nooo.” Remus said dramatically, letting his head fall to his folded arms on the table.

“Come on, Moony, it’ll be fun. I’ll be your wingman. With my help, you might even pick up.” James said with a grin.

Remus peered up at him his head still resting on his folded arms. “You’re an awful wingman.”

Peter sniggered.

“That’s a bald-faced lie! Who told you that?”

“Your other victim.” Remus said gesturing toward Sirius.

“You ungrateful bastard!” James yelled into Sirius’s smirking face. “I’ve help you find many a hot partner to spend a pleasant evening.”

“Sure, you have.” Sirius replied with a patronising pat to his shoulder.

James narrowed his eyes. “Your bed would be covered in cobwebs if not for me.”

Sirius gave him a cocky smirk that was far too attractive to be allowed. “Uh huh.”

+++

Another round and another 30 minutes of cajoling later, and James had gotten his way. Diagon Alley was fairly quiet at this time of night, but there were a few groups, like themselves, milling around clearly on a night out. James led his friends down the street, past a group of scantily clad witches and wizards in tight muggle clothing. He tried not to notice how young they all looked.

There weren’t many night clubs in Diagon Alley and _The Hopping Pot_ was clearly the best. James excitedly joined the line, he could already hear the thumping bass from the music upstairs, his friends followed him into the line far less enthusiastically.

“I am much too old for this.” Remus complained. Sirius looked amused, but James looked away trying not to let the comment puncher his good mood.

+++

Inside the club, the air was hot and smoky. On the stage, was a group of long-haired musicians. The crowd in front of them pulsed and swayed in time with the bass line.

“Come on.” James said grabbing Sirius’s hand and pulling him down the stairs. James was aware from previous experience that Sirius was the only good dancer in the group.

James led Sirius through the sweaty bodies closer to the deafening music. Finding a good spot James twisted to face his friend. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Remus and Peter pushing their way through the crowd. Sirius gave him an indulgent smile and spun him in a dramatic twirl.

A couple of songs later, James was back at the bar with Remus and Peter. Predictably, Sirius was now surrounded by a group of admirers. _All,_ James was certain, _due to his hard work as a wingman._ He had tried to convince Remus of this, but Remus remained stubbornly and irrationally doubtful.

James made his way through a couple more shots. He talked to an interesting man covered in tattoos who claimed to a hit-wizard and had one awkward dance with Peter, before thankfully, Sirius swooped in and saved him.

Sirius leant forward his lips brushing James’s ears to be heard over the music. “You alright?” 

James nodded, and felt the floor tilt. “Bit drunk.” He amended.

“Really?” Sirius said in mock surprise. “After six shots of firewhiskey, I never would have guessed.”

James stuck his tongue out.

Peter said his goodbyes and left, followed closely by Remus. James threw up in the dirty bathroom and was practically dragged out of the club by Sirius. Sirius floo-ed them both home to his apartment and James promptly passed out on Sirius’s bed.

+++

James groaned at the bright sunlight. He rolled away, coming face to face with Sirius.

James jolted.

It wasn’t that Sirius and James hadn’t shared a bed before, but it had been a long time since James had woken up beside anyone but Lily.

“Morning.” Sirius said sleepily. His long hair was ruffled from the pillow, his face still soft from sleep. It reminded James of simpler times when all he had to worry about was passing exams and not getting too many detentions. But it also felt strangely intimate in a way James didn’t remember from his previous experiences of waking up next to his best friend.

“Feeling ok?” Sirius asked.

“Bit hungover.” James said with a grimace.

Sirius rolled over and started shuffling through his bedside table. James stared as soft black t-shirt pulled taut over Sirius’s broad shoulders and back. 

“Here.” Sirius said, finally turning back and passing him a small vial.

“Sorry.” James said, after swallowing the contents of the vial whole. “Making a bit of a habit of this.”

Sirius snorted. “Doesn’t worry me. Wouldn’t want my bed to be inundated with cobwebs.”

James laughed.

+++


	3. Chapter 3

James spent Sunday with the Dursley’s hating every minute of it.

Lily and Petunia were making strained conversation in the kitchen. Harry, Godric love him, was trying to encourage his big brute of a cousin to play a game of marbles in the living room.

James had given up trying to make conversation with Vernon an hour ago, luckily it seemed his bother-in-law had not noticed, caught up as he was with some kind of sport on the television. James watched dispassionately as two teams of muggles knocked into each other. Vernon had previously explained the object of the game was to put or kick the ball over the line on the opponent’s side. From what James had seen, it seemed they were more interested in pushing each other in the mud than getting the ball anywhere.

James took another experimental sip of the so-called _beer_ he had been handed. He almost gaged. It tasted nothing like butterbeer.

“Nonsense!” Vernon bellowed suddenly.

James jumped. His attention drawn back to the screen where the players had been replaced by two aging men with microphones.

“It was clearly a foul.” Vernon said angrily. He stuffed a handful of crisps into his mouth, munching resentfully.

“Yeah, I guess.” James said, not really sure what he was agreeing to.

“You play some kind of hocus pocus sport, right?” Vernon said, his moustache bristling as it always did when he mentioned magic.

James felt his stomach drop, even here in the middle of muggle suburbia his recent dismissal had to come up. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Harry look up.

Lily had explained the situation to Harry, or at least some of it, at some stage the week after they had found out, James not having the stomach for it. James wouldn’t have been surprised if Sirius had also had a chat to him. Harry and Sirius were much too good a conspiring together. Harry hadn’t tried to talk to James about it, but he had been even more sweet than usual, and had, on a couple of occasions, deflected nosy neighbours when they came knocking. James was grateful but he couldn’t help but feel a bit pathetic taking help from his 10, almost 11, -year-old son. James was sure Harry was getting ready to jump in again.

“Not anymore.” James said shortly, before Harry had to say anything.

Vernon nodded. “Mmm, I had to stop too. On account of my knees.” He said giving one large leg a heavy pat.

“Right.” James said, clenching his jaw. Just great, now he was in the same category as Vernon Dursley. James focused his eyes back on the television wishing the game would resume.

Later, they sung happy birthday over a soggy, sad-looking sponge cake. James was grateful Harry and Dudley were born only two weeks apart as it meant they could do a joint celebration instead of going through this torture twice a year.

Harry and Dudley traded birthday gifts. Dudley had given Harry a small plastic water pistol, Harry had given Dudley a large encyclopedia of animals. Harry tried to be politely enthusiastic about his obviously cheap throw away gift. Dudley had barely taken one look at the gift Harry had painstakingly picked out and had thrown it on top of a towering pile of other presents, before going back to the kitchen for another slice of the disgusting cake.

James just wanted it to be over.

“Well that was excruciating.” James said the minute they left the house.

Lily shot him a warning look.

James sighed and offered his hand to Harry to apparate them back to the house.

+++

James spent the next two weeks avoiding the house as much as possible. If he wasn’t there, he wouldn’t have to look at the growing pile of rejection letters.

James visited Remus at his tiny flat and threw balled up copies of his drafts at him until Remus gave up and played exploding snap with him. He visited, Peter again and ate too much ice cream and strolled down Diagon Alley.

James visited Sirius at the Ministry only once. It was during his lunch break and they met up at the ministry lobby. James felt sick as he looked at the large beautiful statutes in the main atrium. Sirius turned up looking noticeably excited to see him, but all James could see was how distantly professional he looked in the purple ministry robes of the Unspeakables. After lunch Sirius had offered to show him his office and lab. James had made up an excuse and left as soon as he could.

But mostly he spent his time day-drinking in pubs and wondering aimlessly. The daylight hours were excruciatingly long with no practice to occupy him. He felt untethered and empty.

+++

“They’ve all been rejection letters?” Lily asked in dismay on Thursday night after Harry had gone to bed.

“Yes.” James said, glaring up at her from where his head was cradled in his arms on the table.

“Oh.” Lily said softly.

James snorted humourlessly feeling the strong urge to get up and get a drink. “I warned you.”

“James, I…”

“I know, you’re so sorry. Everyone is always so sorry.” James said bitterly, jumping up to pour himself a glass of fire whiskey.

Lily’s eyes darted down to his glass. “That’s not going to help.”

“ _Au contraire,_ Lily dear, it is the only thing that helps.” James said scathingly.

Lily sighed. “Maybe you should get a part time job. Peter mentioned there was an opening at the ice-creamery, I am sure he wouldn’t mind pulling some strings….”

James gaped, feeling struck. “You want me to work at an ice-creamery? Under Peter?”

“Just for a while, we will keep sending in applications.” Lily said, looking back at the rejection letters.

James felt as if the ground had been pulled away from him. “Are you sure I can handle it?”

“What?” Lily said, looking up.

“The job at the ice-creamery? You seem to have a pretty low opinion of my abilities.”

“James,” Lily sighed. “You know, I didn’t mean it that way, I just meant…”

“I know what you meant.” James interrupted harshly. “ _James has no chance with these quidditch clubs, maybe he’ll be better suited to scooping ice-cream, that seems like the kind of menial low skill job he would be capable of not fucking up too badly_.”

Lily’s face hardened. “This is your friend you are talking about. Peter’s job is completely respectable…”

“Yes! For Peter!” James almost shouted. “He scraped what fours NEWTs. I got twelve, nine outstanding. Remind me, Lily, how many did you get?”

Lily scowled. “NEWTs were more than a decade ago, James.”

Lily took a deep breath as if to reset herself. James took a resentful gulp of firewhiskey.

“Look, I didn’t mean the ice-creamery should be your next big career move. I just meant it would be a good stop gap. After all, it doesn’t seem unemployment is doing you any good.” Lily finished with a pointed look at the glass in his hand.

James finished the firewhiskey, refusing to be shamed.

+++

Since Harry had been old enough to have his own friends, Lily and James had had three birthday celebrations for him. The first, a week or two before his birthday, a stilted awkward combined celebration with his cousin. The second, the night before his birthday, a dinner with his Godparents and the rest of James and Lily’s assortment of close friends. And on the day of his birthday, a party with his own friends.

James, as always, was most looking forward to the dinner, this year falling on the Friday. It was always a great night when they all got together. Even his depressing last few weeks and augment with Lily couldn’t entirely put a dampener on it.

James was freshly out of the shower and absentmindedly towelling his hair dry, as he rummaged through his disorganised closet for something to wear. He selected his favourite pair of muggle jeans and a simple dark green button up.

James threw the towel on bed and spelled his hair dry instead. He then threw on his outfit.

Except he didn’t.

James frowned as he tried to button his pants, they had been tighter than he remembered sliding up his legs and now they were stuck. 

“James, are you almost ready?” Lily called from downstairs.

James felt his face flush when he realised what must have happened. He had been on strict diet and training regime since he had left school at 19. Even in the off-season he had been careful. Careful to do some training, to not completely give in to his sweet tooth. He had not been careful since he had been laid off, not even close.

“James?” Lily called again from closer. James panicked.

“Just a second.” He replied in a strained voice.

He yanked off his pants and replaced them with the baggy jeans he had been wearing around the house.

“You’re wearing that?” Lily asked, as he walked down the stairs.

“Yes.” James said testily. “Let’s go, or we’ll be late.”

Lily pursed her lips but didn’t say anymore. “Ready to go Harry?”

“Yep.” Harry said with an excited smile.

+++

Their usual outdoor table at Morgause’s Morsels was packed.

At the far end of the table, closest to the exit, sat Severus Snape. His dark grease hair head sticking out like a dark cloud on a clear day. Severus, as usual, had sat himself as far away from the rest of the guests as possible, as if they were all highly diseased. James didn’t even bother to give him a cursory hello this year, let Lily deal with him if she continued to insist on inviting him.

James smiled, hugged and kissed his way through the rest of the more agreeable assembled guests trying not squirm under their friendly touches. His stomach churned unpleasantly, but he would not let it ruin Harry’s night.

Sirius was at the other end of the table. He wrapped Harry in a warm hug. Harry beamed at him. James felt himself relax slightly. He had always loved seeing his son and best friend interact, it was so clear they adored each other.

“You ok?” Sirius said once he had wrapped James in his own hug of greeting.

“Yep.” James said unconvincingly.

Sirius gave him a frown. James moved to hug Marlene before Sirius could call him on his obvious lie.

A couple of glasses of goblin made wine later and James was feeling remarkably less upset. Harry was working his way through his gifts, all much better than the cheap plastic toy he had been given by his cousin. Harry’s face lit up with joy at each one and he quickly got up to personally thank each and every gifter.

After the table had been cleared of wrapped parcel’s Harry looked up at Sirius and Marlene. It had been tradition for several years now that they would go into together as the godparents and swoop in at the end with the most impressive, most extravagant gift.

“Oh no,” Sirius said with faux alarm. “Marlene did you remember to pick up a gift.”

“Oh dear, no,” Marlene said her mouth turning down in a frown that ways bellied by the laughter in her eyes. “I thought it was your turn.”

“No, that was last year. I'm sure it was yours.” Sirius said.

“Oh,” Marlene said with a sigh. “I am so sorry Harry. We don’t have a gift for you this year.”

Harry gave a small sad smile. “That’s ok, I know you guys are busy.”

Lily gave Marlene a kick under the table. “Stop tormenting my son.”

Sirius and Marlene burst into laughter, as Harry’s smile became more genuine.

“You, young Prongslet, are far too polite for your own good.” Sirius said handing over a small neatly wrapped box and ruffling his hair. “How in Merlin’s name you got that way with these two as your parents is truly a mystery.” Sirius said shooting Lily and James a teasing look.

“It’s even more of a mystery when you consider who the godparents are.” James shot back.

Sirius grinned.

“Happy birthday, Harry.” Marlene said indulgently watching as Harry unwrapped the gift.

Harry unwrapped a small wooden box. Even before he opened it, James knew what it was. He felt his heart drop. Harry lifted the box lid, his eyes widened as he let the small golden ball drop into his palm. The wings of the snitch gave an experimental flutter.

“Wow!” Harry breathed.

“Do you like it?” Marlene asked.

“Yeah, it’s amazing.” Harry said watching entranced as the snitch hovered up to eyelevel. It darted suddenly, in a flash, Harry plucked from the air.

“Always knew you were a Seeker.” Sirius said easily.

James felt his nausea return. He watched in a detached way as Harry hugged each of his godparents in turn. James was selfishly glad when their meal arrived, and Harry had to put the snitch away.

“Ugh,” Lily was saying in an undertone to him. “Outdone again.”

“You never know.” James said stabbing his steak far too aggressively with his fork. “He might love his Hogwart’s trunk.”

Lily snorted. “More than a snitch, I doubt that.”

“Well, one is setting him up for seven years of fun at school, the other a lifetime of disappointment, so you never know.” James said, the bitter words leaving his mouth without him thinking them through.

Lily gaped at him. “James?”

James shook his head. “Sorry, I’m just…” But he couldn’t find the word to explain how he was feeling.

“Sad? Disappointed?” Lily finished for him.

“Yeah, something like that.” James said, abandoning his food. He didn’t feel much like eating anyway. “Don’t worry, I’ll get over it.”

Lily pursed her lips but didn’t say more.

There was a gale of laughter over the other side of the table. Sirius and Marlene were relentlessly teasing each other. Harry looked torn halfway between stepping in and letting himself fall to a fit of laughter. Remus, Mary, Peter and Jessica seemed to have no such qualms, erupting in unrestrained laughter. Severus at the end of the table continued to stab resentfully at his meal ignoring them all.

“…you should be ashamed, Harry, your godfather’s vanity knows no bounds.”

“Oh really, Marlene. So, I’m not talking to the same witch who bribed Skeeter to get on Witch Weekly’s hottest witches list.”

Marlene flicked her hair dismissively. “I was already on the list, I only bribed them to put me in the top 3.”

“I think that might be worse.” Sirius said, with a laugh.

Once upon a time James would have joined in. Instead he sourly stabbed a stalk of broccoli. He was looking at months of eating broccoli and barely anything else.

Lily leaned close to his ear again. “I think Marlene is going to ask Sirius tonight.”

James frowned. “Ask him what?”

Lily gave him a strange look. “Ask him out, silly. They’ve been flirting for years.”

James looked up from his meal, alarmed.

“I’ve always thought they would make a good couple.” Lily was saying. “Sirius should have asked her ages ago, but I guess he wasn’t ready for the commitment. He seems much more settled now.” Lily was continuing with an approving nod of her head.

Lily took a sip of her wine as if she hadn’t just delivered potentially earthshattering news about his best friend. James glanced back at Sirius and Marlene who were grinning at each other, obviously enjoying their banter and the laugher of the group.

The worst thing was he could see it. He could see how Marlene could ground Sirius give him someone to come home to, but still give him the laughter, attention and excitement he craved. Marlene was adventurous, ferociously beautiful and with wit like a whip.

James tore his eyes away from them.

“Bathroom.” He muttered to Lily. Getting unsteadily to his feet, he vaguely wondered, when had he had so much to drink.

James stumbled out of the restaurant and into the cool back alley. It stunk of piss and garbage, but at least it was quiet. He pressed his back to the brick wall, letting the cool wall on his back ground him. Despite his closed eyes, James could sense movement out of his periphery.

“You got him a snitch.” James said, letting some of his hurt creep into his voice.

Sirius sighed. “We got it before. Marlene didn’t understand why we should change it.”

“Right.” James said.

Of course, _Marlene_.

“Lily said Marlene’s going to ask you out.” James blurted out, opening his eyes to watch Sirius’s reaction.

Sirius frowned looking confused.

“On a date.” James clarified.

Sirius snorted. “I think Lily’s got her wands crossed.”

“What?” James said.

“Marlene’s not interested in me.” Sirius said dismissively.

“She seemed plenty interested in there.” James argued, not sure why his voice had taken on an ugly accusatory quality. “You both did.”

Sirius’s dark eyes were studying him carefully. James closed his eyes again, unable to take Sirius’s probing gaze.

“She’s been sleeping with Mary.” Sirius said.

James’s eyes snapped open again. “What?!”

Mary and Marlene had been close friends since Hogwarts. But in all the years James had known them there had never been a hint of anything more.

“How do you even know that?”

Sirius shrugged one elegant shoulder. “Went out with them and Remus one night, they disappeared for three quarters of an hour and came back blushing and with their clothes dishevelled. Wasn’t hard to figure out.”

“Oh.” James said, still trying to get his mind around it.

It wasn’t like he didn’t know same sex couples at Hogwarts or in the years after. He had also known for years that Sirius wasn’t particularly concerned about gender when it came to his various dalliances. The wizarding world wasn’t particularly known for their tolerance, but regarding this particular issue, they were surprisingly quite progressive, at least compared with the muggle world.

“Why haven’t they told Lily then?” James asked. He knew Lily wasn’t as close to her old school friends as James was to the Marauders, but it still felt like something she should know.

“Don’t think they are at that stage yet.” Sirius replied casually. “So, keep it to yourself, yeah?”

James nodded. He felt strangely relieved. 

“I’m thinking of visiting Mum and Dad’s.” James said. He had missed their birthday this year. He had been out of the country to play an exhibition match on the continent and getting another international apparition permit seemed like too much trouble at the time. In hindsight, it appeared silly reason to miss it.

“Yeah?” Sirius said softly.

“On Sunday. If you wanted to come.”

“Ok.” Sirius said.

James mouth curved in a genuine smile. “Ok, let’s get back to this party.” He said throwing an arm around Sirius’s shoulders.

+++

Harry’s third birthday celebration was held in their backyard. James had been woken up early by Lily to set up the decorations.

With a hangover, not enough sleep and no breakfast, James found dealing with the gaggle of children that had invaded their background even more trying than usual. He was lucky Sirius and Marlene had turned up to help out. Even if that meant Lily raised her eyebrows at him every time Sirius and Marlene so much as walked past each other. But Harry seemed to be having a wonderful time with his friends, so James forced himself to grit his teeth and help the festivities best he could.

Harry blew out the candles on an enormous chocolate cake to a chorus of _Happy Birthday Harry_ ’s. James resentfully cut and plated the delicious looking cake with the understanding that he would not being having any.

Soon after, Harry found him, refilling the snack table.

“Dad?”

“Mmm?” James prompted, pouring more candied slugs into an empty bowl.

“Can we go up to Helga’s Heath with play with my snitch?”

James swallowed against the now familiar pain. “Yep. Wait a moment, I’ll just get Padfoot to supervise.”

Harry’s green eyes were far too intelligent.

“We don’t have to?” Harry said hurriedly.

“Don’t be silly.” James replied ruffling his son’s hair. “Sirius will love to see you fly.”

“He likes seeing you fly too.” Harry said softly.

“Yeah, well.” James said. He wondered when this was supposed to get less painful. “I think it might be better if I stay on the ground for a bit.”

Harry still looked worried.

James sighed putting down the candied slugs. “Listen Harry, I will be fine.”

“Really?”

“Really.” James said, as reassuringly as he could manage. “It’s just something I have to work through, but I don’t want to you to worry, ok? I’ll be fine.”

Harry’s eyes studied his face before nodding slowly.

“Come on, let’s find Sirius.”

Sirius was conjuring different shapes out of bubbles to entertain some of the younger children who had come to the party as siblings of Harry’s friends.

“Pads, can you take the kids up to Helga’s Heath?” James asked.

“Um, sure.” Sirius said, sticking his wand in his back pocket.

“You can borrow my broom from the back shed, Harry knows where it is.”

James left without waiting for a response, not keen to see the worry in Sirius’s eyes again.

James escaped to the kitchen, which was thankfully empty. He skirted the alcohol cabinet, only to be met with a number of untouched plates of cut cake. James hesitated for barely a moment before he grabbed a slice and stuck it whole into his mouth.

“Lils?” Marlene’s voice called, the sound of the back door shutting following her voice.

James swallowed quickly feeling caught out, even as he knew he was allowed to eat in his own house.

“Oh, it’s you.” Marlene said.

“Yes, I live here, too.” James said, and started to stack dirty plates for something to do.

“Lily’s worried about you.” Marlene said bluntly.

James spun around. “That’s not really any of your business.”

“Lily’s my best friend, so yeah it is kind of my business.”

James distantly wondered if Sirius and Lily ever got trapped in conversations like this. Somehow, he doubted it.

“She said you’d been drinking, more than usual.”

James felt his ire rise. “I haven’t had a drink all day.”

“No, maybe not.” Marlene said, watching him carefully. “But you did just scoff a whole slice of cake.”

James felt his face flash horrifically red.

“Do you know what I think?” Marlene said stepping closer. “I think the end of your quidditch career has sent you into a tailspin.”

“A brilliant observation.” James spat. “Is that your professional opinion Healer McKinnon?”

“Yes, it is in fact, Potter.” Marlene said not cowered by James’s change in tone. “What’s more, is that it’s my professional opinion that you could do with some professional help.”

James scoffed.

“If I needed your help I would come and see you at your office, and not harass you in your private time.” He said pointedly.

Marlene just laughed. “I don’t believe that for a second.”

James turned away slamming the plates down.

“Maybe you don’t want to see me, but I think you should see someone.” Marlene was saying, she had moved closer to his turned back. “Miserable people don’t make good fathers and they don’t make good husbands. They don’t even make good friends.”

“What are you trying to say?” James said, feeling each word she said slicing through him.

“Just don’t leave it too late.” Marlene said.

James stood at the sink for a long time, long after the backdoor slamming indicated Marlene had left to rejoin the party.

+++

Lily and James spent most of the evening cleaning up. Harry had tried to help but ended up falling asleep on the couch, tired out from running around with his friends and too much sugar. Lily pulled a blanket over him and kissed his forehead.

“I can’t believe he’s eleven already.” Lily whispered to James.

James gave Harry’s sleeping form a soft smile. “He’s grown so fast. A month and he will be at Hogwarts.”

“I’ll miss him so much.” Lily said pressing her body to James’s side. It was only as she did so James realised how long it had been since they’d given each other any kind of affection apart for the perfunctory cheek kiss hello and goodbye. He wrapped his arm around her pulling her closer and kissed the top of her head.

“Me too.” James replied. “He’d better be better about writing us then I was.”

He could feel Lily smile against his chest. “Well, I am certain he couldn’t be any worse.”

“Hey!” James said in mock offense.

“Your mother told me some dreadful tales.” Lily said, pulling back to smile at him.

“Speaking of,” James said after a pause. “I was thinking of visiting tomorrow. I missed their birthdays this year.”

Lily gave him a soft look. “Of course. We have pretty much cleaned up tonight anyway.”

+++


	4. Chapter 4

James was jerked awake early the next morning by his alarm. He gave a sleepy Lily a quick kiss goodbye before dozily dressing and heading downstairs to apparate.

The cool breeze that swept across the Potter estate was bracing as he appeared just outside the grand golden gates. James stood at the entrance for a while, running his eyes over the property as familiar to him as his own reflection.

The Potter Manor sat the pinnacle of the soft slope of the grounds. Understated in comparison to its counterparts owned by other pureblood families, the Potter manor looked slightly careworn. Ivy covered much of its honey colour stone façade, grand white famed windows scattered the surface in a slightly haphazard manner, the grey stones of the roof undulated and skipped in places. Despite the fact there was little to visibly indicate the property was anything but completely muggle, James’s childhood home had always seemed to have a subtle underlying magic in how it radiated warmth and comfort.

James’s mouth pulled into a smile. It had been years since he had lived there, but visiting felt, as always, like coming home.

The gates parted as he approached them. James walked the meandering pathway to the house, he paused as he rounded the fountain of dancing unicorns that he had once transfigured to life as part of an elaborate gift for his mother’s 70th birthday.

Sirius was already there, chatting to old Mr Mandel, a distant squib relative that his parents had employed as groundskeeper. James acknowledged them with a brief wave but continued on his way. Now that James was here, he felt desperate to reach them and didn’t want to be delayed by talk of damp and roof repairs. Sirius could handle it anyway, he was just as trained in the maintenance of old wizarding residences as James was, if not more so.

James skirted the house and continued to another gentle slope to the small gated cemetery. The cemetery overlooked the beautiful landscape of rolling hills coated in emerald green grass and colourful wild flowers.

Fleamont and Euphemia Potter’s gravestones were the newest looking in the group that contained most the Potter family line since the 18th century, but even they had started to gather some moss in the lettering. James couched down to gently clear it with his wand. Once finished he pulled back and sat down on the slightly damp grass between the graves.

A familiar ache consumed him as he looked at the names of his parents. Throughout the years he had experienced old twinges of grief on and off, often precipitated by reminiscing with Sirius or Lily, or on the odd occasion when Harry said or did something that reminded him of them. Recent events, however, seemed to have opened the long-closed wound of their death, and their passing had begun to sting as if fresh again.

Usually he would talk to them of his problems as he once had in life. But this year the idea seemed fruitless, so James sat in silence letting the cool wind tug at his clothes and the sadness claw at his heart.

James wasn’t sure how long he sat there consumed with grief, before the whine of the gate opening alerted him to Sirius’s presence. Sirius stood behind him and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, looking down at the headstones with a grief all of him own.

Wordlessly, Sirius conjured a wreath of flowers for each of them, irises for his mother, roses for his father. James swallowed against the tightness in his throat, leaning his back against Sirius’s legs and taking what bracing comfort he could.

+++

It was almost dark by the time they made there way back to the house still weighed down by sadness.

James walked past the empty rooms and up the stairs. With all the candles unlit and the furniture covered in white sheets, the house seemed a dull echo of what it had once been.

James’s room was just as he remembered it, although someone had obviously cleaned the usual messy piles of books and clothes off the floor since he had lived there.

A too large bed dominated the room, the walls were covered in Quidditch posters and photos of him and his friends. On the desk in the corner there was a haphazard stack of parchment that he knew was filled with his own cramped handwriting interspersed with Sirius’s elegant script, full of planning for their next prank or invention. On the far side of the room was a large bay window that overlooked the grounds, James had spent years reading in that very spot. He had also spent an embarrassing amount of time gazing out that window and pining after a certain redhead.

The comfort that James had drawn from the house when he had first arrived seemed to dissipate into a lonely melancholy. He felt so far from the optimistic, energic boy that had once occupied this room. His parents had been so proud of that boy, they had showered him with love and praise for as far back as he could remember. He wondered with a sinking heart if his parents would even recognise the man he had become.

“Have you ever felt like your entire life is collapsing around you?” James asked as he stared sightlessly out of the window at the darkening sky.

“Yes.” Sirius answered. “Twice actually.” He continued, conversationally.

James turned to look at him, a frown forming. He could hear the honesty in Sirius’s voice, but... “When…?”

“I mean they were both in the same year so maybe it was just the one extended shitty incident.”

“Oh.” James said, comprehension dawning.

Sixteen. The age at which Sirius was disowned. The age he set in motion The Prank that could have made him a murderer and resulted in one of his friends being set to Azkaban. It seemed like a distant memory now. Something out of a novel, not out of James’s childhood, but he could still vividly recall it.

James had been thrilled that Sirius had run away at first, finally he would be safe from that horrid family with their cruel words and even crueller hexes. But it had quickly become clear that despite being rid of them physically, Sirius was unable to let them go. James had watched in ever growing horror as Sirius had collapsed in on himself. Consumed by the unyielding bitterness that smothered him, the relentless anger that never seemed to be satisfied. James had been so afraid that everything that made Sirius himself would be swallowed up in his tempest of emotions. Never had his star namesake felt so accurate and so terrible as it had in those months when Sirius had seemed to be a super nova primed to explode.

James now knew how the story ended. His Sirius had come back. He knew the story but now he thought about it, he found he didn’t understand it.

“How did you…?” James waved a hand, unable to find the words.

Sirius tilted his head.

“You really don’t know?” Sirius asked curiously.

James shook his head.

Sirius gave him a faint smile and simply said. “You.”

James frowned.

Sirius gave a self-conscious half laugh, running a hand through his long hair. “After I left, everything felt hopeless. If my own family, the only people in the world with a genetic imperative to love me could so easily abandon me, what could I possibly worth? Especially, when all I ever seemed to do was fuck up over and over again. But, you… you were there regardless.”

James shivered under the intensity of Sirius’s gaze.

“It didn’t matter how much a messed up you were always right there. And I finally started to believe that maybe you were right, and I was worth something even if my family thought I wasn’t. And it started to feel a bit silly that I was trusting their opinion over yours and… it just became easier to let things go, to settle and to not constantly fight.”

Sirius shrugged looking away at the quidditch players on the wall.

“Oh.” James replied inarticulately. He had guessed some of what had been going through Sirius’s head at the time, but he had never realised how central his own role had been.

Sirius’s eyes met his again. “So, do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t know.” James admitted. He flopped backwards onto the bed.

“I don’t know what to say really.” James added after a moment of struggling to put his thoughts into words.

James felt the bed depress as Sirius lay down next to him.

“Everything is just so shite.” James managed finally. “And I… I don’t know how to fix it.”

Sirius hummed sympathetically. “Maybe its more something you have to work through. Some things can’t just be _fixed_ , at least not right away.”

James sighed. “I wish everything could just go back to the way it was.”

“Do you?”

James frowned. “What does that mean?”

“It’s just…” Sirius started tentatively. “You haven’t seemed that… focused on quidditch in a while, maybe it’s a good thing… to have a change.”

James swallowed back his immediate reaction to argue, but instead let Sirius’s words sit with him for a moment. He wasn’t exactly wrong. When James considered the last year, he fondly thought back on enjoyable post-match celebrations in the pub but thinking of his time on the field filled him feelings of boredom if not downright frustration.

“Alright.” James admitted reluctantly. “That would be all well and good if I actually had something to move on _to_.”

Sirius snorted. “You don’t always have to have next five years planned out in intricate detail, Prongs. Most of us just see where life takes us, and things generally seem to pan out alright.”

“It’s smart to have a life plan.” James said sulkily.

Sirius gave a short bark of laughter. “Maybe, but spontaneity can be fun too. Do you really need a new job right away?”

“Well, no but…”

“Then, what’s the harm in exploring a bit, seeing what’s out there. James, you’ve been playing quidditch professionally since you were 18. It’s alright if it takes you a little while to decide what you want to do next.”

James turned his head to study his friend’s profile. Lily was right, Sirius had changed. He had somehow grown up right under James’s nose, without him even noticing.

“When did you become so well adjusted?” James said, half resentfully, half in awe.

Sirius snorted, still watching ceiling. “You’re giving me too much credit. I’ve just become better at acting put together.”

“I used to be good at that, too.” James said, returning his gaze to the ceiling. “Now even fucking Marlene has worked out I’m a mess.”

Sirius shifted beside him. “To be fair, as Lily’s best friend she has a direct line to everything Lily knows.”

“Yeah.”

“You can give me some dirt on Lily if it would help.”

James snorted. “I don’t think even you can turn Lily forgetting to pack Harry’s lunch two days in a row into a cause for an intervention.”

“What exactly did Marlene say to you?”

“That I needed professional help, professionally and some such rot.” James said dismissively, even as he could feel the heaviness of the other comments she had made, weighing on him.

“Well, I wouldn’t recommend seeing her if you did. Bedside manner of a Hungarian Horntail after an unsuccessful mating season, that one.”

James laughed. “I should just see Mary instead to spite her.”

“You should.”

James shifted his gaze back to the ceiling. Dusk had descended while they had been talking, the room bathed in grey shadows. He should be getting home.

“You’ll be ok.” Sirius said, confidently.

“I wish I had your faith in me.” James whispered to the darkness.

James heard Sirius shift next to him and felt a warm arm wind around his waist. James curled into Sirius’s embrace, burrowing his head into his shoulder. It should have been an awkward tangle of too many limbs, but years of practice meant they fit together seamlessly. James breathed in heavily catching the familiarly woody scent of Sirius’s shampoo.

James waited for Sirius’s embrace to seep into his soul and soothe his aching heart as it had a thousand times before.

But as perfectly as they fit together, as a warm and comforting as Sirius’s arms felt around him, something was missing. He pressed his body more closely against Sirius’s, chasing the missing piece that danced just out of reach.

James felt tears prickle at the edge of his vision. He had been annoyed and dissatisfied with nearly everything since his dismissal, but the thought of losing this, the one consolidation that had never let him down, was one loss too much. James squeezed his eyes shut and pulled Sirius ever closer, as if pressing close enough to Sirius could drown out his spiralling thoughts.

+++

Harry was already in bed by the time James stepped through the door of their house.

“How was it?” Lily asked, look up from the book she was reading on the couch.

James sighed, sitting down next to her. “I miss them.”

Lily gave him a sympathetic look. “I know.”

“I’ve, um, thought about what you said.” James said stiltedly. At Lily’s confused look he elaborated. “About the ice cream parlour.”

Lily pressed her lips together. “It was only as suggestion, you don’t have to…”

“No, I think you’re right.” James said hurriedly, not keen on starting another fight. “Having a job would be good for me.”

Lily gave him a brilliant smile. “That’s great, James. I am sure Pete will be thrilled to have you.”

“Yeah it’ll be fun.” He said with enthusiasm he didn't feel.


End file.
